Bellow Like Panda

In The Shadow of the World Trade Center

2006-08-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

I worked across the street from the World Trade Center back in 2001. My building was heavily damaged that day. I was pretty damaged too, but that's another story.

That was September. I was out of work until I found a job a few months later. That job happened to be only a few blocks away from Ground Zero.

It was very surreal walking by "The Pit," as I heard the construction workers call it (they took the same train as me to get to the site). I wrote about my day once. If you'd care to read it, I've posted it below. I don't know if I will ever post what I wrote about my day on Sept. 11.

So this is from June 2002:

5:30 am - Maniac mad rush down the street to make sure to get to the platform before the train comes. Always on time for some reason. God smiles on me even when I forgot my keys and can’t find my wallet.

5:33 am - Long Island railroad, nothing worthy to say, too early at 5:33 to notice much except out the window, taking the back route into manhattan seeing railyards and factories, unlike the 7 train where you see houses and stores. Long tunnel into manhattan where your ears pop when you first go in. The same mustached guy always standing up to claim a place by the door early so he doesn’t get caught in crowds going up the stairs to the subway when the door opens.

5:53 am - On the way to the local platform of the subway. There are men and women sleeping on wooden benches who never pay us mad dash commuters any heed. Same train upstairs every time with the black conductor and usually the same riders, like the one black guy who I wake up because we both get off at Fulton Street. It’s been ok, except for one time, when a dirty stink bum smelling like piss and alcohol harassed me for 5 minutes with a monologue of hate and spit while the train was caught in a tunnel. He ran at another two guys before getting off the train (“Call me a nigga!”)

6:08 am - Getting off at Fulton and part of me not really wanting to start the workday. Up through the concrete tunnels out onto Fulton into the fresh air and early morning. Theres a fish market down at the opposite end of the Street, but it’s a good 5 or 8 blocks away so there’s no fish smell here. Sometimes dark, then sometimes the sun is rising, then sometimes it’s already pretty light out (depends on daylight savings time). See the old man waiting for the newspaper guy to open up his stand so they can BS. Go into the “Spanish Deli” the Chinese guy who takes my money says good morning and the Spanish guy always knows I want an egg and cheese on a toasted roll. Get a bottle of water with that and its $2.25. The Spanish guy sees me and breaks an egg into a little dish, mixes a little, then plops it down on the griddle to fry. Throws a piece of cheese on a few seconds later to melt. Then puts it all on the roll, which is on its way out of the toaster. The process takes about a minute. The other guy wraps it up with Chinese efficiency and folds it and the water into a bag with similar economy. It costs me $2.

6:14 am - Walk out and make a left, paper bag in hand, headed towards where the world trade center once stood. If its dark, floodlights make it daylight so work can continue, and those bright lights really bring the daylight there. I wonder what it’s like to work that overnight shift and never know what dark is. If its sunrise, the sun warms the world financial center buildings in the background with orange glow, casts orange onto all the American flags and cards, and messages and union hats taped, tied and hung on the fence surrounding. If its already early daylight, everything is just there, you can see the jagged glass and broken windows.

6:15 am - Its all emotion then, and looking, sometimes remembering the moment of impact and uncertainty, sometimes remembering the guy I knew, sometimes imagining exactly what it was like in my familiar places on that day, sometimes anger, sometimes sadness, sometimes determined resolve to keep going where other people could not. Always overcome with these feelings.

6:16 am - “Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and pain. Here today, forgot tomorrow.” I was listening to duran duran’s “Ordinary World” acoustic version one day on the way in. The papers did tell that one day. That entire song makes me think of the events of the 11th now.

6:17 am - Left on broadway, passing the Modells where they load stuff in every morning off the truck. Shoes and pants and things. They must sell a lot to have to refill every day. Past closed banks and across streets, looking out, over “Ground Zero” , planning one day to come back after I’ve been out of here for a while, to keep it a part of me no matter how terrible it is to think about it sometimes.

June 20—2002 Theres a jeans store I pass that is closed that I usually don’t think about, but it has a memorial right inside the door, you can see it through the bars. One corner of the store right up front was left as it was found on September 12. Piles of jeans and that grey dust covering it all. Covering the floor too. The owner glassed it all in and it stands there now. I hope it is permanent. It is the best way to remember. I wouldn’t have known about it, I don’t think, if Jimmy Breslin hadn’t written a column about it. I usually didn’t shop for clothing down there. Once I bought a shirt from the j. crew at the world trade center because I didn’t change from the last shirt I wore. I forget how I ended up in that situation. Maybe it was because I went right to work from a weekend in PA, when I did the late shift at bridge.

6:17 am - Sometimes if Im thirsty and its warm, I take a swig of the cold, clean spring water and want to finish the whole small bottle. I’ve sworn off coffee which is so delicious in the morning. It makes my heart beat too fast if I get stressed and I hate that feeling worse than I love coffee.

Across Nassau street to broadway, where I now work. Catty corner from where I used to work. Almost always take a last look out over the site.

6:18 am - Through revolving doors to the guard station, where early morning workers have to sign in. It took me a minute or so when I first started. I showed them my early morning pass, filled it all out nice… Now I know you don’t need the pass if the guards know you and can fill out the sheet in about 20 seconds. One of the guards has a particular mind for the bullshit. An older black guy, somewhat of a blue-collar, graying bill cosby who doesn’t make as much eye contact.

“Good morning.” I say, giving him a nod and a smile.

“Allright, beautiful Wednesday morning isn’t it?” Talks almost on automatic as he regards the paper.

“Yes it is.” Smile as I write. “I heard we might get rain later though.”

“Yes sir. Be ready for some li-quid sun-shine later!”

I had to smile at that one because I’d never heard it before, and he knew it. He was just as good, if not better, than those doormen I used to know.

“OK, have a good one!” I say.

“You too my friend.”

6:19 am - And then over to the elevator, which strangely takes a while to come. Why would they be up in the building at this time? The ones I was used to would wait on the bottom when it was morning and they weren’t in use.

Up the elevator, which is hot as a rule, as it isn’t ventilated, punching the round button for the 27th floor so it lights up. Seconds later the door closes. For some reason when im alone in an elevator, I feel the need to sing or flail my hands around a bit, keeping the latter to a minimum because I can see the video camera. I also like to keep my face and body as close to the crack in the door as I can so I scoot right out when it opens. No one can explain the fun in that to you, you just have to try it.

6:20 am - Outside the door, theres Wall St. Journals on the floor, no doubt delivered by a guard or maintenance worker earlier with a stack of them in his elevator. I did the same thing myself except I betted this was easier because he just threw em all out, whereas I had to put the right one in front of the right door.

From there, I open the glass doors and pass the big saltwater fish tank and cartoon pictures on the wall and sit at Eddie's desk because Tom is at mine, though 4 times out of 10 he’s not in yet, or not coming in. BS with Tom as we put in premarket trading news like “Bid lower in premarket trading, Tyco chief executive is under investigation for evasion of personal income tax.” Turn on CNBC so we can hear the old gang give us the big news.

That's all I have from that day. I've come a long way since then. I think I am going to try to see that World Trade Center movie in Manhattan sometime this weekend.

Morgan Freeman Comet, Wrasslin

2006-08-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

I was looking at the sky with some friends tonight. There was a full moon and we were watching the clouds float by, commenting on what they looked like (there's a rhino. there's snoopy. etc...). Anyway, as we were doing this, we saw a shooting star. Just a piece of solar something shooting through the night and burning up in the atmosphere. It was pretty cool.

I thought to myself, what if we saw a shooting star, and it kept getting bigger and bigger and we realized it was a comet headed straight for us. Furthermore, what if that comet was actually Morgan Freeman, and he stopped inches from my face and started a conversation with me while hovering in the air.

I said this out loud and people laughed at me, as if to say "such a thing could never happen."

The other thought I had is that I might join the WWE as a different kind of wrestler. I could come in to some soothing Enya music like "Carribean Blue."

If every man gave all he can
If every man was true...

Etc...

I could be wearing some new-agey robes. Then I could go up to the big, angry wrestler and convince him not to fight. That could be my shtick. Then we would inevidably walk away from the stage together, discussing some new ideas, with another Enya song playing in the background.

I've Been Lazy

2006-07-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

I've been lazy at posting to this blog.

I guess one reason is the sense that nobody reads it and it is "meaningless" in the grand scheme of things.

I guess another reason is I moved and got married and lost internet access for a long time and I leave at 7am for work and don't get home until 7pm then I have to make dinner and stuff like that.

Another reason is that i forgot I had this blog for a pretty big chunk of time.

Another reason is I shot somebody who was trying to steal my car and I spent a few months laying low until the heat died down.

Just kidding, I don't own a gun and I'd never shoot somebody.

I am still pretty nostalgic for the 80s. I watched a show on VH1 last night about the top child actors of all time and I saw Rick Shroeder, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, Soleil Moon-Frye (Punky Brewster) and Gary Coleman on there. It was pretty cool.

I went a month without cable when I moved and you know what? I didn't die. I discovered the public library which has a Website that's just like Amazon.com except you have to pick the books you order up at the library a few blocks away and you don't get to keep them forever. It's a great deal because I've found that books are a pain in the ass to store, a pain in the ass to move, and I rarely re-read them.

Case study: How important is your Reddit link title?

2006-02-25T07:51:00.000-08:00

I go onto reddit.com a few times a day to see whats new and/or interesting around the net, but hadn't really posted anything I thought was going to be popular until yesterday.

I'd seen a story on my local NYC news about an autistic highschooler who worked as his team's manager for a few years. He seemed like a genuine team player, rooting for his teammates at games, inspiring them at practices, and an all-around good kid.

His coach decided to put him in for the last 4 minutes of the last game of the season, hoping to get him a point. Someone in the crowd had a video camera and taped what turned out to be an amazing performance. The kid dropped 20 points in 4 minutes, including SIX three pointers. The crowd went absolutely wild, lifting him up onto their shoulders after he hit his last three pointer at the buzzer. I got goosebumps watching the thing.

When I got to work the next morning, after forwarding a link to the story with a video attached to everyone I thought might be interested I said to myself "hey, this would probably be a great thing to share on reddit.com." I searched for the word "autistic" on reddit, and didn't see any stories about the topic.

So I decided to post my own link. I linked to the news story online with the title "Real Life 'Rudy' - Autistic HS Basketball Team Manager Gets Playing Time." Within about 10 minutes the story had gotten 2 points. However I checked on and off throughout the course of the day and by the time I left work, it was at -1 points. I was perplexed. This thing was really cool... how could people not find it interesting?

Well I just logged on to Reddit.com today to check the status. Right at the top of the front page, I noticed something.... a link that read "Autistic Basketball Player Causes Mayhem" was sitting there with 91 points. I searched for my story and... it was at -3 points!! If you look at the Reddit search page for "autistic," you can see that my story was posted 12 hours before the other story. I wonder why it got such negative reviews being it was the same story?

My first impression is that your headline counts when you post something on reddit. The other person had an admittedly superior headline- simple, and fantastic. People see that and say to themselves "wow! causes mayhem!?!?! what did he do, kill someone?" so they click on it. Mine seemed well... kind of boring in comparison. I didn't get to the heart of the story in the headline, and I didn't suck people in to read it.

The other thing I noticed is that the video in the other link was superior. First of all it was at "youtube.com" which is really popular among people who really know their way around the internet. Second, it was a larger image, and the story was done by a more well-recognized anchor. I thought my link would be handy since it also had some text attached, and I can't comfortably watch videos on my computer at work so I figured it would be the same with other people... well i forgot about all of the college students and people who probably CAN watch video who use reddit.

Anyway, I guess my point is that reddit is like anything else in this world- you have to have some kind of a hook to draw people in. On reddit, it's your headline. It's also the cover of your novel, the first part of your sales pitch, the introduction to your presentation. It doesn't matter how good your product is if you can't get people to pay attention to it in the first place.

How to get published in The New Yorker

2006-02-08T17:30:00.000-08:00

Those of you from outside of NY may not know this, but The New Yorker is a magazine for rich women who live in Manhattan. I read through it online on occasion because they have pretty good features on local-interest topics.

However, the general tone of the magazine makes me sick. I made up this set of guidelines for getting published in the New Yorker:

In order to run in the New Yorker, your successful piece must contain the following yiddish words: Tchotchkes, Nebbishy, or Plotz.

In addition, your piece is best written while sitting way up on a high golden throne, so you can look down on certain groups of people:

-Midwesterners (or "Middle Americans")

-Those who voted for Bush

-Those who can't afford to eat at Le Bernadin (You can also look up at these people but only if you're trying to write a bohemian piece about living in brooklyn and "discovering" something (tchotchkes mayhaps?) at a junk shop).

-People from "the outer boroughs"

-Those who find inspiration in religion

-Those who find inspiration in family tradition

Your piece should contain some reference to celebrities, and either point out every little thing they do "Derek Jeter was spotted grooving out to tunes at the Trump Towers bar!" or the fact that you really dont care about everything they do "US NEW YORKERS leave celebrities in peace, we dont care if we see a celebrity, in fact we get angry because Brad Pitt is on line in front of us to use a urinal at [insert trendy club name]."

The perfect sentence- "Middle Americans plotz every time they spot John Stamos" ran in a recent peice.

You should only refer to children in passing, and as the unwanted accessories many upper-east-side moms with nannies see them as. Suggest gifts for them such as a small wooden chair painted red and vaguely resembling a lion, but not too gaudy a decoration. Don't suggest something fun that a kid would want, such as an action figure. A large glass piggy bank might be appropriate too.

If you have a relationship with a blue collar worker, or anyone who makes less than $80,000 a year in fact, this is probably the most interesting thing our readers will ever hear about. If you, a "NEW YORKER" stopped to discuss the transit strike with the Mexican who makes your coffee, you have performed a humanatarian, international service and would likely get the Nobel Prize if the readers of THE NEW YORKER had their way! Dont mention the fact that that smile you put on his face as you related a witty anecdote about the time you worked behind the counter at sachs during high school is actually the smile of a man imagining throttling you to death.

Keep this potential reader in mind as you write your New Yorker piece: He is a hardworking fireman. An educated man. The son of a bus driver and a waitress who was raised in Queens and went to Catholic schools. He puts on a heavy jacket, climbs up stairs and seeks to put out the fire that is threatening your lives and property. He does this for a starting salary of $30k a year. He appreciates religion, making the sign of the cross when his life is in danger and trying his best to go to church when he can.

He has a great sense of humor, and, shockingly, is incredibly smart. He has a college degree. He has a master's degree, too. He uses his arms for more than typing on a keyboard, however, so they aren't the atrophied noodles that accessorize the round, soft bellies typical of those who read the New Yorker. His wife stays at home changing diapers, wiping snots, and cooking dinners that dont always turn out perfect. She smacks the kids if they use bad words or talk back to an adult. But they go to her when they get a splinter or fall down and start crying, not Consuela the nanny because there is no Consuela the nanny to do the laundry and bitch about her to the doorman and the other nannies.

Your reader goes into the city (Manhattan) every now and then on the weekends to some bars with his friends, or to take his kids to the museum of natural history or his wife to broadway. He works weekends putting up drywall or painting or fixing cars. He knows how to change a tire when his car breaks down on the throughway.

I hope you have gotten a good picture of this man in your mind by now.

Your job is to picture this man and write something that will make this man physically sick by the time he gets 1/3 of the way through the piece. You can do this simply by stating your annual salary. Talking about how stupid your doorman is for forgetting to give your dog walker a special note last tuesday will also work. Raving about the $100 dinner you had that consisted of a steak the size of a quarter, a stalk of undercooked broccoli sliced in half, and an inedible purple leaf, all drizzled with the perfect shade of sauce will definitely do the trick. Talking about getting dressed up, going to the tanning salon, botox, collagen, getting into fancy clubs and saying you were partying with the nephew of some high government official or celebrity will work also.

Your job is to describe a life entirely dedicated to appearances, money and name-dropping. Oh, and the latest trend is suggesting womens products for men. Talk about a guy's "morning face routine" or suggest outfits for him to wear, or leave-in conditioner. Be sure to use words that he won't understand. Refer to the list of yiddish words above, or use the usual hoity-toity words. Call a book a "tome" or something along those lines.

Follow the formula above, and your piece will certainly appeal to the readers of the New Yorker.

The MBA Job Market Manifesto

2006-02-08T16:55:00.000-08:00

An engineer friend of mine recently wrote me to ask me what the "MBA Job Market" is like. He is tired of his job and wants to get an MBA at night school so he can "make $100k a year." Having gotten an MBA fairly recently (May 2004), I felt like I had something to say about the topic. Here's how I responded to him via email:

"There is only an "MBA Job Market" if you deal with on campus recruiting where companies come in looking for MBA students. Otherwise, you're just a member of the general job market, with the additional weapon in your arsenal of having an MBA.

Every job hunt is different depending on your location, your focus, your motivation etc.... I graduated in May and took a few weeks off at first. I had some interviews while still in town (notably the one that day we had our water shut off and I wasnt able to shower for it) I was focused on getting a job in equity research at first, and surprisingly, I was able to get a solid number of good interviews. I limited my efforts to that area. Nobody gave me the job though. I'm not sure why. I'm passionate about the field. Maybe it was because I didn't have an ivy league MBA and was competing against those who did.

I wasnt worried though because I was living at home for free. I spent a lot of time remodeling the house with my contractor brother in law. I studied for the CFA exam a bit (later failed it in december). Faced with no job, I needed income so I applied for and absolutely aced the interview for a temp job. An MBA willing to work a temp job is like a gold nugget. The guy at the temp firm repeatedly called me after the interview to find out exactly what I said and did so he could coach other candidates on how to interview like that. While I was there, I made like $22 an hour and got a good amount of overtime. But I was hoping to get a real job with benefits and a future.

So I applied at a few places, my current company being one of those. The position fit really well with what I was looking for, and I had the skills to fit with what they were looking for. I accepted the job and started in January.

So you can look at it and say that it took me 8 months to get a "real" job, but like i said it was a special case. I worked for about 2-3 months at the temp firm in the meantime. (They put me at a big investment bank).

I guess the way to look at it is, the MBA is no way a "free ticket." you really have to pay attention to where you're going and use it as something to help you get there. It is in no way a "ticket" to a better job. Another thing to consider: when I got my mba I was 25 years old. The average age for an MBA graduate is more like 29. These people have 4 more years of experience than me, so naturally you'd expect my salary to fall below the average.

The broad picture is I was making about $40 in 2002 before b-school and felt underemployed. I was bored with what I was doing. Now I'm making more like $60-70k and I'm feeling involved, I'm learning, and I'm even challenged on occasion. On the surface this makes the MBA look great, but I know plenty of people making my salary who didn't go for an MBA. This means that in addition to being paid the same amount as me, they didnt spend $50k on tuition and room and board over the 2002-2004 period, and they made lets call it $40k in 2002-03 and $50k in 2003-04 while I was in school. So right now they are $140k richer than me.

If I get the same promotions as them for the rest of my life, from a purely financial standpoint the MBA would not have been worth it. And you know who gets promotions? Not the guy with the MBA. The guy who does the most and impresses the most people, regardless of mba or not. The guy who is a better perceived worker and leader. So some charismatic, smart guy will easily outpace me in future earnings power.

Anyway I guess the point im trying to make in slashdot terms is that the MBA is much less "binary" than people think it is. Its not the guaranteed path to money. It doesn't put you in a different league from other workers your competing against for jobs, in short its no guarantee either way.

Can it be a good tool? Sure.

The world is in a state of constant flux though. Lets say 10 years from now the american monetary system collapses, there is nuclear holocaust, and we retreat to an agrarian society. Your MBA is worthless. In fact its a detriment because you dont know how to grow anything. You spent your time on computers.

Or lets say the Middle East stops exporting oil to the USA. We wouldn't be able to live in the Northeast because it would be too cold during the winter. Your home, most people's biggest asset, will become worthless. Canada will move south, we will move south, and society will revert to anarchy. Those with the most guns will control the food supply and guys like you and me will most likely be shot or trampled trying to cross the border into North Carolina or meet some other unremarkable end. What will your MBA be worth then?

In fact, now that I think of it, you're better off putting your tuition dollars elsewhere. Take some firearms training courses, some wilderness survival courses and start a subsistence farm. Convert all of your US dollars into gold and silver. Do it while you still have time!"

The NYC Bus Hack

2006-01-30T19:27:00.000-08:00

Well, this isn't really a hack but a surprising number of people don't know about this. If you're sitting in one of the three-seater handicapped seats opposite the back door of most NYC MTA busses, there is a strip to request the next stop located UNDER your seat.

The main reason it's there is , when the seat is flipped up, people in wheelchairs can easily access the strip there rather than reach up to get it.

Wow, what a pathetic post.

The Elevator Hack

2006-01-26T19:18:00.000-08:00

I read this on the Internet, wondering if it actually worked. It would be pretty funny if it did. "...TheDamnBlog has a little tip for getting the most out of your next elevator ride. Apparently lots of elevators have an express mode that lets you override everyone else's selections and go straight to the floor you're going to. You just press "Door Close" and the button for your floor at the same time. Should work on most Otis elvators, as well as a few other models that are out there, but don't blame us when you accidentally go plunging to your death (blame TheDamnBlog, if you must)." Unfortunately, i have to say MYTH: Busted! At least in my building. I went down to the second floor at lunchtime (where the cafeteria was located). On my way back up I made sure to get on the elevator alone. I pressed 4 and then 8 (my floor) and while pressing 8, held down "door close." I heard some funny clicking noises and the words "accidentally go plunging to your death" came to mind. The elevator stopped at the 5th floor. A woman waiting to go down gave me a funny look, but that was the only excitement I got out of the trip.

Skills They Should Teach in College

2006-01-26T18:55:00.000-08:00

If you're graduating from college and plan to work in an office, there are some practical skills that are sadly undertaught in the classroom. I say this from experience, having a BS in business and an MBA in finance. The first thing is basic familiarity with office equipment. How to send a fax, how to use a copier, how to replace paper in both... etc. One thing they could show you how to do is how to deal with a paper jam. I've seen people call tech support and wait an hour so they could come and open up the printer to removed a jammed piece of paper. Its very simple. You just open up every door and handle you can find on the printer/copier and look for a piece of paper sticking out. Sometimes it's mangled, sometimes its just sitting there all pretty, but anyway, you just rip it out and close it back up and you're good to go.Adding a network printer to your computer is another thing. It also saves time wasted waiting for tech support. Print out a test page via the button on the printer (or have a coworker do it). Go to control panel/settings/add printer. Type in the address... install. You don't need to be a genius to do that, but in some cases you may need administrator rights and have to call in. Another thing is software like MS Excel and Powerpoint. Many people get through college relying on someone else to show them how to use these programs, especially PowerPoint which is so often used as part of a group project, and the work is farmed out to the group member who already knows how to use it. Creating graphs and charts is another area where people don't focus enough. Something you do in business every day, yet few people have ever learned how to do it right. It is not as intuitive as it seems to create a professional looking graph. Check out a book called "The Visual Display of Quantitative Information" by Edward Tufte for a great overview of the design process. In fact, let's say you're the typical college grad with good grades and you've mastered all of your accounting and finance classes. There are a million of you out there. One good way to set yourself apart would be your mastery of creating a presentation in powerpoint. Chances are, your first year out of college of business school, you're not going to be determining the company's future strategy or planning the financing behind a multi billion dollar acquisition. You're going to be crunching numbers and doing revision after revision on your boss's presentations. If you come in with the ability to easily create elegant graphs, charts and presentations you will be able to set yourself apart in a major way. You will be good at your job, better than 90% of the people competing with you for hiring and promotions. At that stage in your career, nobody cares that you know about Modigliani and Miller's optimal capital structure theories. They will care that you can put a good presentation together. If enough readers ask me about it, I'm going to put some basic ideas for good graph design in a future post, along with some examples. I've been studying and practicing this for years, and I think I know a thing or two about it! Bellow on...

Winter Mix

2006-01-23T16:25:00.000-08:00

Ah, the dreaded "winter mix." When the temperature straddles the freezing mark and mother nature alternates between rain, freezing rain, and snow. You're wet, you're cold, there is a thin layer of mud on the floor of the subway car.... the winter mix. That's what the weather is like today. It's really not that bad though. Its more rain than anything in the city. I think we commuters should take the term "winter mix" and turn it on its head. In fact, I hereby invent a new drink and claim it for the crown: the "Winter Mix." It's pretty simple. You take half a mug of coffee, half a mug of hot chocolate, and a shot of Jameson's Irish Whiskey. Combine and sweeten to taste. The perfect way to greet the morning and thumb your nose at the winter mix. In fact, the perfect thing to drink as you read Bellow Like Panda on a frosty day.

My 1980s Heroes

2006-01-22T09:10:00.000-08:00

In 1980 I turned 1. In 1990, I turned 10. I consumed massive quantities of television during that stretch. Two of the three gentlemen in the classic picture to the left were some of the biggest contributors to my entertainment during those crucial formative years. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. Heroes of mine.

I like that picture because it shows them both relatively near their prime. Arnold has a bowling ball for a bicep and Stallone is getting cut as he prepares to star in the stirring drama "Rambo." The other guy is one of Arnold's bodybuilding contemporaries, Franco Columbu.

Anyway, these guys were my heroes during the 1980s. As 10 year old me charged across a backyard with a toy gun and a bandana wrapped around my head, it was Stallone's performance in Rambo that inspired me to go up against the odds. No matter how many neighborhood kids stood in my way with toy guns of their own, I knew that I could run through there, kill them all, and emerge unscathed (or at least only slightly scathed) because I had seen the Rambo movies, and I knew how to do it.

Some other notable heroes I had were Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson. Those were the kinds of guys you wanted with you in a tight spot. In fact, if I had Arnold, Sly, and the Chucks with me, I would have been willing to walk down any street in the USA during the 80s, and that includes those pre-Guliani spots in NYC where crime was rampant.

Those guys have moved on, though. Sly is doing another Rocky movie, but he's not the same action hero he used to be, allthough a recent photo shows he's still in phenomenal shape.

Anyway, there will never be another crop of action heroes and action movies like the ones these men put out in the 80s. Conan the Barbarian, Missing in Action, Delta Force, Predator... these were quite simply classics. Who do kids have to look up to as action heroes today? The Rock?? No. Vin Diesel might come close, but he's kind of corny. The kids of today had to sit through one of those XxX movies with Ice Cube as the action hero. Ice Cube? In my opinion Stephen Seagal is the only guy who was ever able to pull off the whole "out of shape tough guy" thing.

Anyway, maybe the kids of today will grow up and lament that there will never be another Vin Diesel or Ice Cube, who made their youth an experience worth living.

I can't help it though. I get misty-eyed when I think of all of the great violence I watched on big and small screens alike in the 1980s and the early part of the 1990s. One day I'm going to be charging across a rec room in some old age home with a toy gun in my hand, but in my mind I will be Rambo: the Force of Freedom and I will be young forever.

Thanks, guys. Thanks for the violence.

Introduction

2006-01-21T09:23:00.000-08:00

I guess the best way to begin is by explaining the term "Bellow Like Panda."

It's from a radio show by "The Greaseman" where he does a kung-fu version of "Deliverance." Instead of asking this guy to squeal like a pig, the man that comes upon him asks him to "Bellow Like Panda."

I thought that was pretty funny, and it was the first thing that popped into my head when I was creating this blog. So anyway, if you're a fan of this blog and you happen to see me on the street someday, I'd be flattered if, instead of saying hello, you just started bellowing like a panda. Years from now when this first post is lost, that will be how we separate the true fans from the johnny-come-latelys.

I'm a 27 year old male and I work in a cubicle in NYC pushing numbers around all day for a large corporation. I've lived here all my life. My interests are many and varied: books, music, television, movies, coffee, finance, family, sports, history, etc... so those are the kinds of things that will end up in this blog. I guess that's all you need to know for now.

I'll tell you a little bit about my life and what I'm thinking about. Maybe I'll pass along some funny things, some helpful things, and some things that make you think. Please let me know if you have anything you want me to write about, I welcome comments.

Oh and one more thing- Japhy Ryder. If you think you might have heard that name before, you might have. He's a character from Kerouac's "The Dharma Bums," a great book to add to your shelf if you've read and enjoyed "On the Road."